Wrestling with Magnificence

Today, I'm letting my body be my guru.  It's speaking to me - ok, screaming - so I'm paying attention to gain insight and perhaps a bit of wisdom.  Like all worthy gurus, this aching can't-go-up-or-downstairs-body's message isn't at first what it would seem.  Sure, it would be easy for me to assess that pain from strenuous exercise is the result of over-doing it, but that isn't it.  My leg muscles are demonstrating my wrestling with magnificence - as the pain isn't from "over-doing"; it's a screaming reminder of diminution.

Steeped in my misery of physically not being able to lift my leg or ease down onto the sofa, I can hear a voice saying,  "Knowing how you feel now, do you regret it?"  and this question keeps circling waiting for me to say, "ok, ok, ok!  Yes, I regret it!

… not unlike the voice that was speaking as tears filled my eyes at a relationship's end: "Do I regret it?"

But I don't.  I don't regret feeling my body moving in magnificence where every aspect of my awareness was honed in on a pointed toe, a lifted chest, a lightness in hands, and the power of legs feeling both the release of a plié and contrasting contraction of a jump.  In that moment, my body was the cumulation of possibility.  The fact that it's hurting today, is because its true ability isn't used everyday.  My body isn't screaming because of what I did, it's crying over what isn't happening.

… just like those tears.  My heart loves feeling connected; holding someone in mind as I go through the day; feeling the compassion, joy, and fun that fills me, radiating outward.  This is the true magnificence of who I am -- who we are -- when allowed to be expressed.  And the tears are the reminder that on most days, I express so very little of that.  The suffering tears aren't a result of the loving, it's the wrestling process of retreating back into the space of diminished possibility. 

Having the opportunity to dance a ballet class with Suzanne Farrell, my female equivalent to Baryshnikov, was amazing.  Even after decades away from the ballet, my body remembered enough to shine.  In the class, Ms. Farrell was just as focused on my body placement as I was; we were both working to bring out that magnificence of body expression.  And it was beautiful!  The image that reflected back in the mirror became grander with each jump as more combined focus was placed on spotlighting the true possibility of a body.

Just as I won't allow the pain of my body be the driver of lowered physical expectations, my tears will never diminish my expectations of magnificent love. 

Manifesting that magnificence in relationship holds the same radiating beauty.  Imagine a relationship where concentrated, driving, combined energy is joyously expended to bring-out that which is already there.  Both lovers driving forward in pursuit of the next fuller expression of what is possible.   Here, magnificence will be revealed and it will be beautiful.


Ellen Kellner, www.ANewDivorce.com


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